In a world that seems flooded with rampant narcissism, it seems a bit much to suggest that the first step in self-care is simply to love yourself. So, let’s first take a look at the difference between self-love and narcissism. Narcissism isn’t really self-love, it is an attempt to hide deep shame and self-loathing. Ironically, narcissism is the opposite of self-love and is very destructive to the narcissist and others. So, what is healthy self-love? Read on…
If self-love is not narcissism, what is it? To love oneself is to know and accept yourself “warts and all.” This is a place where you know what you do well and can acknowledge and feel good about being “good” at something. It also means owning the things you don’t do well and accepting those things without shame or reproach.
I don’t really like Facebook and haven’t posted there in years. I am not interested in the vitriol. Yet, this week, with some trepidation I went ahead and put up a post on my band’s page, Nawty Dawg. It’s a fun avocation of mine, being in a band. Here it is if you want to see it: (1 min. Drum Cam)
Sure enough, the first person to comment, apparently ripped my drumming skills, or lack thereof. It is difficult to discern the subject of his insult due to grammatical issues in his comment. The general consensus is that he was not impressed with my performance. If you do visit the page, please don’t say anything mean or insulting to this guy, he is entitled to his opinion.
The point here is that I know that I have some talent and do some things well, and there are other things that I don’t do well. I’m ok with that. And yes, I am working to improve and grow because I want to, not because I am “not good enough.”
If you’ve flown in an airplane, you have no doubt seen the safety instructions in the seat pocket in front of you. The instructions state that when the air masks fall from the ceiling, you need to put on your air mask first before you help anyone else. A lot of people find that to be selfish.
However, the reality is that unless we are cared for we, are not able to care for others. Taking responsibility for our own care is essential. And, I’d suggest that the first step is to fall in love with yourself.
It is easy to think that everyone you come across can do what you do well and also all the things you can’t do. This is one of 3 fault lines from CoreClarity© that I share with my clients. But the truth is, those people can’t do what you can do! And they are looking at you wishing they could!
So let’s level the playing field by acknowledging and accepting that none of us can do everything, none of us are supposed to be able to do everything, to be perfect. In this way, we can graciously love ourselves and love others. We don’t have to fall victim to impostor syndrome or compare ourselves to others.
So, fall in love with yourself by celebrating the things you do well and the things you don’t do well. The best part is that when you do that, you can actually love others. If you love someone for what you can get from them, you don’t really love them. You are using them to meet a need you have. But when you are full of love for yourself, you can love others out of that abundance without needing them to return the favor. Those are rare and deeply satisfying moments of life.
In the coming posts, we’ll talk about things that you can do to care for yourself in different areas of your life so that you can then truly care for others too.
Thanks for reading. If you want to discuss this further and explore the things that you are uniquely gifted to do, use this link and sign up for a free 30-minute coaching call.
Addendum for the Theologically minded:
Many of you probably heard or read that Jesus said, “love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22: 37).
Often when we hear “love your neighbor as yourself,” we hear that we need to love God, love others, and love ourselves, in that order. Actually, what Jesus is saying is love God, love yourself, love others. When we love God we can internalize his love for us and love ourselves because he loves us. It is only when we love ourselves that we can truly love others. Our love for others is actually the outflow of an intimate love relationship with God which allows us to love ourselves and then to love others.
Earlier in Matthew, after Jesus feeds 5000 men in addition to women and children, he then tells his disciples to get into a boat and go on ahead of him to the other side of the lake while he dismissed the crowd and then went up on the mountain side by himself to pray. Here we see that even Jesus took time to care for himself. So the concepts of loving oneself, self-love, and self-care are actually not selfish. It is the thing that allows us to be unselfish and love and serve others.
So, what are you doing to foster a healthy loving relationship with yourself? Hopefully, it starts with a loving relationship with God. But regardless, if you’re going to genuinely love others, then you need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself.