Ready to look at the fourth reason your greatest strength may show up as your greatest weakness? We already looked at Ignorance, Lack of Development, and Emotional Hijack. The fourth reason our strengths may not show up as a strength is that our character structure is not strong enough for us to live authentically. Let me be clear, I am not attacking anyone’s character, I am merely suggesting that we all have areas in our character that could be stronger. Read on to learn more about this foundational, critical topic.
Dr. Henry Cloud refers to character as “the ability to meet the demands of reality.” For instance, I love to play golf and I know how to play golf, but I can’t “play” golf. In polite terms, I am a “high handicapper.” So, while I enjoy walking around a golf course hitting a little white ball with a long stick, my level of execution is not very high. I know how to play, but I can’t really play, and few would call what I do “golfing.” 🙂
When it comes to our character, it may look like this. As a leader, you know how to have a difficult conversation: you have received the training, practiced, and have all the knowledge and skills to confront someone or hold them accountable. Despite this expertise, you still avoid and do not have that difficult conversation. There is often something in your character structure that is keeping you from executing on your skill.
Dr.’s Cloud and Townsend observe that our character consists of 4 areas: Bonding, Boundaries, Integration/Reality, and Adulthood. Our deficiencies in these areas make it difficult to operate at the highest levels. In this case, my Integration/Reality character structure might tell me that “I am a bad person” if I confront someone.” Or if our adulthood is lacking we may approach others in a “one down” position and therefore feel that it is not our place to confront someone who is “better” than us.
So, let’s level the playing field a little bit. Everyone has gaps in character structure. It does not make us “bad.” Again, no one’s character is being judged. Hopefully, knowing that will allow you a little grace for yourself and others. Everyone has a need for growth. Or as I like to say, congratulations, you’re human!
When it comes to how strengths show up, certain strengths can cause real problems when combined with our character deficiencies. Responsibility and Achiever come to mind. If these are in your top 5 you probably have a hard time saying “no.” You either like getting stuff done so much that you keep taking on more, or you like helping people and being trustworthy so much that you do your job, and often the work of others! So, to the extent that your Boundaries character structure is weak, it will be that much easier for your talent to control you (weakness) rather than you controlling your talent (strength). Learning to say “no” is a big part of growing your character and talents. Really, I could have chosen any talent and applied it to some aspect of character, I just happened to choose those two.
So, how does one learn to say, “no”? Practice.
You could start with something as basic as simply saying the word “no” out loud. This can create muscle memory and an emotional comfortableness with the word. To really integrate and experience the growth you want to find people you know and trust, and, well, disappoint them by saying no and letting them respond to you with grace. This can actually rewire your brain, since you expect “judgment” but receive grace, validation, and acceptance. Your brain doesn’t have a tried and true way of processing that response because it happens so rarely. In order to process the experience, your brain actually creates new neural pathways! Over time, you strengthen your “no” muscle and your character structure, and your talents get stronger too. How cool is that?
So, find some friends and ask them to ask you to do something ridiculous like go to the next town to buy them a cup of coffee, pay their mortgage, do 100 push-ups. Then say, “no.” They will be ok with that. Gradually they will ask you to do more reasonable things for them that you will be sorely tempted to do. Still say “no.” Eventually, you will get to a place where you can comfortably say “no” when you need to and say “yes” when you want to.
If you don’t have friends like that, then let’s talk. I have spots available in a leadership development program designed to optimize your performance that specifically provides instruction in leadership skills, self-awareness, and character growth. Let’s talk about you experiencing the growth and life that you want.
If you have stories to share or other thoughts about your Strengths also being your weakness, I hope you will leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you!
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